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Jan. 30th, 2011 05:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pterosaurThat other life, that nightmare life, that dream of flesh. It was a moment of touch and laughter and her father's smiling face. It was the day he'd helped her fly her first kite. She saw the kite whipping around in the sky, then it fell, and she thought for a silly moment of what it must have looked like from the kite's view as it sailed downward and the green earth rose up. The kite struck, crackled, and broke.
It was just starting to rain. She flew under a stormy sky while Candayce ran below across open ground dotted with shrubs; more distantly another pterosaur flew, looking somehow anxious. She was calling, < You can talk now. It's all right. > Candayce nodded, looked away. Thunder sounded, close. < Look, all that stuff before... it just doesn't matter, all right? > There was no reply. < Didn't you hear me? I said- >
There was a savage crackling, a brilliant flash of white, and she was falling, weakly trying to spread her wings again, but hit the ground wrong, tumbling along it until she stopped, arm twisted beneath her. The other pterosaur was screeching and Candayce wailed < Janine! Janine! >
She trembled as she tried to stand, but her right arm wouldn't push against the ground. < Lightning - the lightning hit you, Janine! > Candayce reached her, helped her sit up, and her right arm and wing were folded wrong, badly. Twisted. Her red eyes glazed. The rain pattered down.
< You've gotta get up. > Janine looked away. <It's your wing. You don't need your wing to walk.> Janine clicked her beak, once, faintly. Candayce held up her hands, stubby fingers capped with hooflike claws. < I can't drag you. See? I can't do it. I would if I could. >
< Go away. >
< It's not safe. >
< Not safe anywhere. Stupid. >
< It doesn't look that bad! >
Janine tilted her beak at Candayce; it was nearly as long as the other girl's entire body. < It doesn't? >
< Look. >
Her head tilted to bring one eye closer to her wing. She shuddered. < Bad enough.>
< Listen to me. I don't know anything about first aid. I don't know how to recognize if someone's in shock. I - > Janine's beak snapped, almost biting her. Candayce drew back. She was trembling. < So you're just gonna wallow in it. >
Rain poured down, running from the tip of her beak. < Stuffed, > she whispered. < Get stuffed, you selfish little - >
< Drop dead. I don't need this. I don't have to listen to this. I don't have to listen to you. >
< Good. Go. > Janine's beak touched the ground.
< I am. > Candayce went a little ways. Stopped. She was looking back, like she was expecting Janine to call her back. Nothing happened. She came back anyway, walked on all fours, then knelt to grab Janine's beak.
< What are you doing?> Janine cried.
Candayce brought her armored face close to stare into Janine's frantic eyes. < You know what I'm doing. You've done it to me enough times. > Janine struggled weakly, trying to rake at Candayce with her good hand, but to no avail. < Oh, I see what your problem is.> Janine stopped, opened her beak, and exhaled. Candayce jerked back, letting go. < Fish breath, gah! >
Janine got up on her back legs, towering above her. A caw drifted down, and she looked up. The other pterosaur, golden with gray, blue, and scarlet traces, stared down at her. Imperious, removed. < Loki? > Janine asked, her voice breaking. Loki flew away with a flash of his wings, receding rapidly out of view. < Don't! Don't go... >
< He's not coming back. >
< What are you babbling about? >
< Guys. I know what it means when they give you that look. >
< He's a Quetzalcoatlus, you imbecile! Not some guy. >
< That look means you're damaged goods. You're not desirable anymore. >
< Yeah. I'm sure you've had guys look at you like that. Yeah, sure. >
< This is me you're talking to. If they gave away prizes for every time you steal someone's boyfriend just because it's a really horrible thing to do, just 'cause you can, how many do you think I'd have? >
< You're scum. I know that. >
< That's the look. The look they give the one they're leaving behind. >
< No. >
< No? >
< He'll be back. >
< Okay. So, until then, come on, let's go. >
< Get away from me! This is all your fault! >
< You bet. >
< I wouldn't have even been flying this way, wouldn't have been out in this if - >
< Right. I'm the bad guy. That's fine, I'm used to that. I know all about it. Now can we leave here? >
< You leave. >
Candayce looked up. It was raining harder now, the water pounding on them and making it hard to see far. < I'm not going anywhere. >
< The lightning. >
< It gets both of us or it doesn't get either of us. >
< Bull. >
< Hey, I'm here, aren't I? >
< I hate you! >
< I hate you, too, but I'm still not going anywhere. >
Janine sank, fell back into a sitting position. < Haven't you done enough? >
< No. I want you to understand that you don't know everything. >
< What? >
Lightning flashed and tore apart a lone tree, only visible as it was struck. The thunder was momentarily deafening. < That was close! >
< So go. >
< No. Like I said, I want you to understand - >
< I wish you were dead. >
< Sure. >
< Stop agreeing with me! >
< No. Well, maybe. One condition. >
< What? >
< You and I, we play the Quiz. We play, then I go. You follow or you don't. > She hesitated. < You know what the Quiz is, don't you? > Janine nodded slowly. < Playing is simple. All you have to do is tell the truth. You remember what that's like, right? >
< Ask your question. >
< Do you have any idea why I'm so afraid of you? >
< What? >
< That's not an answer. >
Janine thought. < Because I don't want to be like you. Because I don't care what you think of me anymore. You can't control me. You can't get to me like you could before. >
< That's part of it. >
Janine straightened. < So what's the rest? >
There was a long pause and then, in a strangled voice, < I admire you. >
< What? >
< It's true. I wish I was more like you. >
< I am gonna kick your ->
< You've got integrity. > She said it so softly, the rain almost swallowed the words.
< Say that again. I'm not sure I heard you right. >
< You wouldn't stab a friend in the back just to get a date to the dance. > Her chest heaved and she faltered, choking. < I was scared, always scared... that you really could look inside people. Scared you'd look deep enough, you'd see - >
< Shut up! >
< I can't be like you. You don't know what it's like. What they expect out of me. My mom, I mean. Everyone. It's like, I don't even sleep at night, not really. It's why I'm in therapy. It's why I have to punch things, the tae kwan do, the kickboxing, why I can't ever do anything right on the piano, 'cause I'm too busy slamming the keys, why I can't ever tell anyone - >
< You selfish little witch! >
< I'm telling you the truth! It's the rules. Ask me - >
< It's always got to be about you, doesn't it? You expect me to feel sorry for you? To like you? You made my life hell! >
Candayce hugged herself. < I know. >
< You can't stand it, can you? You can't stand that I'm out here, and everything I want is here, and I'm happy, and you can't stand it! >
< I - >
< You just have to take! You have to take and take and - I hate you, you selfish little - you don't know anything about me! >
Lightning tore the sky overhead. Neither of them flinched. < You don't know everything. You only think you do. That's your problem. >
< I know what you are. >
< I know what you are, too! > The rain was lessening, the thunder moving off.
< You know what I am. What am I? >
< Your mother knows. >
Janine stiffened. < She knows what? >
< Your mother knows, I know, everyone knows. >
< What are you talking about? >
< What you do at night. Your mother knows you go out and deface property. Your graffiti. She knows. >
< No... >
< Who do you think has to pay for it every time they go around and paint over what you've done? Why do you think your mother never has any money? It's because she's spending it cleaning up after you. Those days when she's not around, and you have to stay home from school and work, where do you think she is? She's trying to keep you from getting busted, she's trying to keep you from getting in trouble, she's ->
< You shut up! You don't know! You don't! >
Wearily, Candayce sank down. < You call me selfish. You're out there every night, because - what? Your mom doesn't pay you enough attention? I should have your problems. Your mom doesn't talk to you because she doesn't know what to say. She's afraid you'll run off if she confronts you. She's afraid you will anyway. And hey, look around! I guess she had pretty good cause for feeling that way, don't you? >
< Y-y-you're... she knows? > Janine folded up, trembling. Candayce nodded. < How can you say you admire me, then say all that? >
There was a long pause. < I don't know. Maybe it's because you always do what you want, no matter what, and I just do what people tell me. You do the things I'd be too afraid of doing. > Janine stared until Candayce hung her head. < Not everybody knows. I shouldn't have said that. My mom, she knows because of the bank. 'Cause she's one of the officers. She doesn't want it getting out. And I won't say anything. Not to anyone. >
< Sure you won't. >
< I haven't. And I've known for a long time. >
Janine stared at the muddy ground. < My mom really knows? >
< Yeah. >
< Everything? >
< Uh-huh. >
Janine looked up, finally met Candayce's eyes. < Even about the fountain? >
< The fountain? >
< That time I put pink bubble bath in the fountain across from Town Hall. It was in the papers. You should've heard my mom going on about it, she was so mad. I never understood it, why that would make her so mad, but - >
< That was you?! >
Janine leaned forward. < You didn't know? >
< No. But... that was funny. >
< So she doesn't know. >
< No. I don't think so.> She hesitated. < Why'd you do it? Why'd you do any of it? >
< Why did you make Sherilyn hate me? > Candayce looked up, but didn't say anything. She was crying, failing miserably at holding back sobs.
As the rains finally stopped, Candayce found herself moving. On all fours, moving, until Janine rose up before her, her left wing spreading, enfolding her. Candayce hid herself in the welcoming darkness and cried until she ran out of tears. She wasn't alone.
p 182-191
It was just starting to rain. She flew under a stormy sky while Candayce ran below across open ground dotted with shrubs; more distantly another pterosaur flew, looking somehow anxious. She was calling, < You can talk now. It's all right. > Candayce nodded, looked away. Thunder sounded, close. < Look, all that stuff before... it just doesn't matter, all right? > There was no reply. < Didn't you hear me? I said- >
There was a savage crackling, a brilliant flash of white, and she was falling, weakly trying to spread her wings again, but hit the ground wrong, tumbling along it until she stopped, arm twisted beneath her. The other pterosaur was screeching and Candayce wailed < Janine! Janine! >
She trembled as she tried to stand, but her right arm wouldn't push against the ground. < Lightning - the lightning hit you, Janine! > Candayce reached her, helped her sit up, and her right arm and wing were folded wrong, badly. Twisted. Her red eyes glazed. The rain pattered down.
< You've gotta get up. > Janine looked away. <It's your wing. You don't need your wing to walk.> Janine clicked her beak, once, faintly. Candayce held up her hands, stubby fingers capped with hooflike claws. < I can't drag you. See? I can't do it. I would if I could. >
< Go away. >
< It's not safe. >
< Not safe anywhere. Stupid. >
< It doesn't look that bad! >
Janine tilted her beak at Candayce; it was nearly as long as the other girl's entire body. < It doesn't? >
< Look. >
Her head tilted to bring one eye closer to her wing. She shuddered. < Bad enough.>
< Listen to me. I don't know anything about first aid. I don't know how to recognize if someone's in shock. I - > Janine's beak snapped, almost biting her. Candayce drew back. She was trembling. < So you're just gonna wallow in it. >
Rain poured down, running from the tip of her beak. < Stuffed, > she whispered. < Get stuffed, you selfish little - >
< Drop dead. I don't need this. I don't have to listen to this. I don't have to listen to you. >
< Good. Go. > Janine's beak touched the ground.
< I am. > Candayce went a little ways. Stopped. She was looking back, like she was expecting Janine to call her back. Nothing happened. She came back anyway, walked on all fours, then knelt to grab Janine's beak.
< What are you doing?> Janine cried.
Candayce brought her armored face close to stare into Janine's frantic eyes. < You know what I'm doing. You've done it to me enough times. > Janine struggled weakly, trying to rake at Candayce with her good hand, but to no avail. < Oh, I see what your problem is.> Janine stopped, opened her beak, and exhaled. Candayce jerked back, letting go. < Fish breath, gah! >
Janine got up on her back legs, towering above her. A caw drifted down, and she looked up. The other pterosaur, golden with gray, blue, and scarlet traces, stared down at her. Imperious, removed. < Loki? > Janine asked, her voice breaking. Loki flew away with a flash of his wings, receding rapidly out of view. < Don't! Don't go... >
< He's not coming back. >
< What are you babbling about? >
< Guys. I know what it means when they give you that look. >
< He's a Quetzalcoatlus, you imbecile! Not some guy. >
< That look means you're damaged goods. You're not desirable anymore. >
< Yeah. I'm sure you've had guys look at you like that. Yeah, sure. >
< This is me you're talking to. If they gave away prizes for every time you steal someone's boyfriend just because it's a really horrible thing to do, just 'cause you can, how many do you think I'd have? >
< You're scum. I know that. >
< That's the look. The look they give the one they're leaving behind. >
< No. >
< No? >
< He'll be back. >
< Okay. So, until then, come on, let's go. >
< Get away from me! This is all your fault! >
< You bet. >
< I wouldn't have even been flying this way, wouldn't have been out in this if - >
< Right. I'm the bad guy. That's fine, I'm used to that. I know all about it. Now can we leave here? >
< You leave. >
Candayce looked up. It was raining harder now, the water pounding on them and making it hard to see far. < I'm not going anywhere. >
< The lightning. >
< It gets both of us or it doesn't get either of us. >
< Bull. >
< Hey, I'm here, aren't I? >
< I hate you! >
< I hate you, too, but I'm still not going anywhere. >
Janine sank, fell back into a sitting position. < Haven't you done enough? >
< No. I want you to understand that you don't know everything. >
< What? >
Lightning flashed and tore apart a lone tree, only visible as it was struck. The thunder was momentarily deafening. < That was close! >
< So go. >
< No. Like I said, I want you to understand - >
< I wish you were dead. >
< Sure. >
< Stop agreeing with me! >
< No. Well, maybe. One condition. >
< What? >
< You and I, we play the Quiz. We play, then I go. You follow or you don't. > She hesitated. < You know what the Quiz is, don't you? > Janine nodded slowly. < Playing is simple. All you have to do is tell the truth. You remember what that's like, right? >
< Ask your question. >
< Do you have any idea why I'm so afraid of you? >
< What? >
< That's not an answer. >
Janine thought. < Because I don't want to be like you. Because I don't care what you think of me anymore. You can't control me. You can't get to me like you could before. >
< That's part of it. >
Janine straightened. < So what's the rest? >
There was a long pause and then, in a strangled voice, < I admire you. >
< What? >
< It's true. I wish I was more like you. >
< I am gonna kick your ->
< You've got integrity. > She said it so softly, the rain almost swallowed the words.
< Say that again. I'm not sure I heard you right. >
< You wouldn't stab a friend in the back just to get a date to the dance. > Her chest heaved and she faltered, choking. < I was scared, always scared... that you really could look inside people. Scared you'd look deep enough, you'd see - >
< Shut up! >
< I can't be like you. You don't know what it's like. What they expect out of me. My mom, I mean. Everyone. It's like, I don't even sleep at night, not really. It's why I'm in therapy. It's why I have to punch things, the tae kwan do, the kickboxing, why I can't ever do anything right on the piano, 'cause I'm too busy slamming the keys, why I can't ever tell anyone - >
< You selfish little witch! >
< I'm telling you the truth! It's the rules. Ask me - >
< It's always got to be about you, doesn't it? You expect me to feel sorry for you? To like you? You made my life hell! >
Candayce hugged herself. < I know. >
< You can't stand it, can you? You can't stand that I'm out here, and everything I want is here, and I'm happy, and you can't stand it! >
< I - >
< You just have to take! You have to take and take and - I hate you, you selfish little - you don't know anything about me! >
Lightning tore the sky overhead. Neither of them flinched. < You don't know everything. You only think you do. That's your problem. >
< I know what you are. >
< I know what you are, too! > The rain was lessening, the thunder moving off.
< You know what I am. What am I? >
< Your mother knows. >
Janine stiffened. < She knows what? >
< Your mother knows, I know, everyone knows. >
< What are you talking about? >
< What you do at night. Your mother knows you go out and deface property. Your graffiti. She knows. >
< No... >
< Who do you think has to pay for it every time they go around and paint over what you've done? Why do you think your mother never has any money? It's because she's spending it cleaning up after you. Those days when she's not around, and you have to stay home from school and work, where do you think she is? She's trying to keep you from getting busted, she's trying to keep you from getting in trouble, she's ->
< You shut up! You don't know! You don't! >
Wearily, Candayce sank down. < You call me selfish. You're out there every night, because - what? Your mom doesn't pay you enough attention? I should have your problems. Your mom doesn't talk to you because she doesn't know what to say. She's afraid you'll run off if she confronts you. She's afraid you will anyway. And hey, look around! I guess she had pretty good cause for feeling that way, don't you? >
< Y-y-you're... she knows? > Janine folded up, trembling. Candayce nodded. < How can you say you admire me, then say all that? >
There was a long pause. < I don't know. Maybe it's because you always do what you want, no matter what, and I just do what people tell me. You do the things I'd be too afraid of doing. > Janine stared until Candayce hung her head. < Not everybody knows. I shouldn't have said that. My mom, she knows because of the bank. 'Cause she's one of the officers. She doesn't want it getting out. And I won't say anything. Not to anyone. >
< Sure you won't. >
< I haven't. And I've known for a long time. >
Janine stared at the muddy ground. < My mom really knows? >
< Yeah. >
< Everything? >
< Uh-huh. >
Janine looked up, finally met Candayce's eyes. < Even about the fountain? >
< The fountain? >
< That time I put pink bubble bath in the fountain across from Town Hall. It was in the papers. You should've heard my mom going on about it, she was so mad. I never understood it, why that would make her so mad, but - >
< That was you?! >
Janine leaned forward. < You didn't know? >
< No. But... that was funny. >
< So she doesn't know. >
< No. I don't think so.> She hesitated. < Why'd you do it? Why'd you do any of it? >
< Why did you make Sherilyn hate me? > Candayce looked up, but didn't say anything. She was crying, failing miserably at holding back sobs.
As the rains finally stopped, Candayce found herself moving. On all fours, moving, until Janine rose up before her, her left wing spreading, enfolding her. Candayce hid herself in the welcoming darkness and cried until she ran out of tears. She wasn't alone.
p 182-191